How to Stop Overfunctioning
Do you ever find yourself thinking things like, “if I don’t do it, it’ll never get done” or “I’ll do it myself, it’s just easier that way and at least I know it will be done correctly”? If so, listen up!
These are the thoughts of someone who is overfunctioning.
Overfunctioning is the behavior of taking on too many responsibilities. It’s doing your part AND everyone else’s, and it eventually leads to feeling worn out, unappreciated, and resentful.
It’s easy for people to slip into this role, as they often feel like they’re being helpful, caring, and selfless. But it’s actually the opposite of those things, though not deliberately. It allows the overfunctioner to feel “in control”, it decreases the anxiety they feel when important things are left in someone else’s hands, and it can feel really good (in the moment) to be the go-to, the one everyone relies on, the workhorse. Hey, isn’t that what society tells us we need to do to be valuable?
Long-term, what overfunctioning actually does is rob others of the opportunity to learn and do things for themselves. It teaches them that you will take care of everything, and that they don’t need to put in any effort. It teaches them that they won’t be able to meet your standards, so why bother anyway? Sometimes, they’ll even receive the message that they’re incapable of being a parent, doing their job, handling difficult situations, etc. and need others to step in and do it for them. None of that sounds helpful.
If you want to stop overfunctioning in your relationships, start here:
Increase your awareness. Notice this type of behavior in yourself when it is happening and acknowledge it for what it is. Actually say to yourself, “this is an example of my overfunctioning”.
Assess the areas of your life where you are fulfilling the responsibilities of others. Are you doing it at work? With your partner? Your grown children? Your parents? Make a list of the things you are doing for others that are not your responsibility.
Take small steps to end over-functioning habits. Allow others to do for you (even if it’s not the way you’d do it), delegate, or have conversations with those around you to let them know that you are working on improving self-care and will not be able to continue doing all the things you have been doing. Then follow through!
A lot of the time, overfunctioning is a sign of codependency, which can take a great deal of time to learn about, process, and change. Be patient with yourself and seek the help of a therapist if you find yourself having a hard time following the steps above on your own.